YOU CONTROL A CAR
Also for: Android, Ouya, Windows, Xbox 360
Whenever a non-gamer preaches about video games,
Zombie Driver HD must be the kind of game they have in mind. Stupid,
loud, stressful, repetitive, violent, tasteless - this top-down car-shooter
has it all. I only wish you could smell the gasoline too. If you want to keep those stuck-up, ignorant know-it-alls from
being right, you don't ever wanna let them catch you playing it. Not that these assholes know what they're talking about anyway.
It's not a bad game. You control a car. It's got good car physics. It's got responsive controls.
You get a nice assortment of weapons. A few thrilling brink-of-death moments
at the end of a long mission gets your heart pumping. The killcount measures
up to a five-digit number once you're done with the main campaign. In short,
it takes care of those base instincts. The car controls
well. Five star game.
But it's stuck up its own 16-bit ass a bit too much. It seems to have forgotten I accepted the basic early 90:s-shooters only because I didn't know
better. Back then, this would've been a classic. You control a car. But nowadays, I crave more
than a car-grind. I only grind when I've got time to waste. This mess just goes on
and on and on. And I ain't got time to waste time. I want a relationship with my car. I wanna become the ultimate
killing machine with super skills. Get me a car, good weapons and a tough challenge. This only
gives me half of that. Me and my car should overcome tough situations. We should grow together. But this is too easy. It's the routine of everyday. But I can never stay mad at this sweet game for long.
You control a car. Your city is infested with zombies. You get a task, like
blowing something up or rescuing a few trapped people. You drive around in the
city. You try to complete the task. You shoot some zombies. You run over some
other zombies. You complete the task. You kill some more zombies. You return
to base. You park the car. You get a reward. You get the next task. You choose
your next car and upgrade it according to the next task. You control a car.
That's a gameplay loop. You never leave your car. The structure is so clear
you hardly have to keep playing past the first three missions to write a
review. From there on, you have seen all its grisly sights. You've heard all
of its deafening sounds. And it keeps at it for 31 long missions. They all
take place on the same city map. The city design is so generic you get
lost in an instant. That hardly matters, since checking your map is quick and
the on-screen mission markers make sure you always know what general direction
to drive. I love the map. It's a good map.
Why do we need graphics when they hardly matter? I don't need textures.
Textures are stupid. Why did they (Exor Studios, heya dudes!) bother
putting textures on the boxes to represent buildings? All that matters is the
car. There's also a park, a river and a few bridges. I only noticed because
they suddenly opened up the playing field or hindered my driving slightly. And
what's wrong with the sounds? Why does it sound like babies are crying
everywhere? And when you control a car, you want to hear the engine roar. But it sometimes goes mute. I don't like that. What, am I driving through space
now, where the cars don't roar?
Before you're back home, your car will be all red with blood splatter. That's
zombie blood. Someone washes the car clean between missions. Why are there different kind of zombies when they all act
the same and die in one hit? Why do we need different weapon types when all
zombies but the bosses die in one hit? You might as well just run over them.
You control a car. The car has a ramming grill. I want one on my car in real
life now. You also have nitro to run through bigger crowds. People don't
gather in crowds since covid-19 so that makes the game unrealistic. They
should patch in some social distance between zombies.
You unlock new cars sometimes. You can romance them all. You can control them all. Your cars can be
upgraded with thicker armor, faster engines and better ramming power. I hardly
noticed the difference. Armor is probably the most important because some
enemies explode when they die. They are big and emit green vapors. They cause
massive damage to your car. Luckily you can find green health pickups. You
also pick up car-ammo. Your car has different weapons, all upgradeable. Shoot
to kill, kill to win, hoo-haa.
You control a car. Why are some cars super fast? Once the explosive zombies
are introduced, you can't control at top speed with any car anyway, because
then you'll run into them fuckers before you have time to react. You have to
tap the pedal carefully to avoid getting their zombie juices all over your
hood. I hate those fuckers. They mess up the car. You control a car, you wanna
go at top speed. I paid nice reward money for that top speed.
I am in love with Zombie Driver HD. It feels like Grand Theft Auto in the olden days, before all that 3D baloney. Except it's legal
to kill everything in sight. And you can't get out of the car. But what does
it matter? You control a car. It's got beautiful curves and a sexy exhaust pipe.
[Screenshots from MobyGames: www.mobygames.com]
Comments
Post a Comment