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Gauge (2014, Windows) Review


RANDOM GAME # 2

***ZERO STARS***

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When I was a stressed out and insecure teenager, I used to twitch a lot to calm my nerves. One of my worst habits consisted of drumming both my palms against my thighs, but at different pace. They would start out synchronized, but since one hand drummed slightly faster, it would slowly reach some sort of backbeat. And eventually it would catch up again to the other hand, both of them drumming in perfect harmony. But it didn't last long until they were totally out of sync again. On and on it went.

It was madness, of course, and I've finally found a game that lets me recapture the mental anguish of being a twitchy teenager. Gauge, from the deranged mind of Etienne Périn, lets me control one gauge at first, and then two gauges simultaneously. By pressing and holding the Space bar, I can increase the first gauge and by releasing it I can make it decrease. For the second gauge I use the Ctrl-key the same way.


The rules are simple: If anyone of the gauges reaches the top or bottom, I lose a life. I have to juggle them somewhere in between to stay in the game. They raise and sink at different speed and so I have to drum the Space bar and Ctrl in different rhythms to keep both gauges running. The closer I am to the top, the quicker my score count increases, and the quicker the game progresses towards harder difficulties. But that also means I'm close to crashing against the ceiling. I suppose this is how Icarus must have felt until his wings of feathers and wax melted.

The experience is baked in a super-duper distracting layer of psychedelia. The screen constantly flickers with epilepsy-triggering flashes and my loudspeakers emit the most aggravating noise you could call music. I guess you could label it "rave!!1", but my brain isn't dancing. Only my hands march along to the beat of obsessive compulsion. At least it has a beat, and it will to some extent assist you with your sense of rhythm. 

But that's about the only help you'll get. Gauge does all it can to distract you, throwing taunting text messages and video clips of cute cats in the periphery to lure your gaze away from the gauges. Without warning, the game might alter the conditions, maybe by making the gauges briefly invisible against the background, or moving the whole screen around. It often narrows the gauge itself, making it very hard to keep away from the extremes.


A couple of game modes exist, but they don't differ that much, and I cannot comprehend what they signify. One is "baby" mode - easier perhaps - and the stylized infinity-symbol must mean "play until death or surrender". The others are anybody's guess. I, for one, have never played a game that affected me so badly in a physical way. My hands started cramping up, and my head started pounding. My eyes dried out, since blinking could distract me enough to cost me a life.

It's a game, so I'll give it a grade and I'll have to break the seal for the zero star rating. Yes, this is my first zero star game. Gauge exists to aggravate you. Maybe Périn hates gamers, and Gauge could exist to demonstrate what a bunch of brainless masochists we are. On its Steam-page, Périn claims there is an ending, and challenges you to reach it. There's an achievement for doing so. I seriously doubt it even exists, because including an unobtainable achievement would make it the ultimate taunt.


I am not an epileptic, but I was genuinely afraid of becoming one because of my very few interactions with this game. Mind you, I've played only 56 minutes (according to Steam) so make what you will of this review. I still think that's too much time to spend on such an absolute travesty of a game concept, let alone one that is physically repugnant to actually play, what with all the pain, headache and eye strain. I had to stop because I started to fear how it would affect me. When parents worry about their children's screen habits, this is exactly what they're afraid to see. This, violence and porn. Not that this could classify as much else than thumping violent porn against the senses.

That's it. That's the entire game summarized in a few paragraphs. Didn't I tell you it was madness? You quickly fall into this bizarre duel of rhythms between your brain halves, as if you're fighting a civil war within yourself. Maybe life was like this as a kid, your brain halves fighting for dominion over your body until the winning half got to decide who you'd become. And I guess the poor souls who are still fighting it out as adults are the ones who resort to stupefying drug trips like this - or worse. The thought of it makes me glad I found my identity a long time ago.

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