A DREADED CLASSIC
With the year 2023 fast approaching, let's wrap this one up by drawing a new random game from the Tombola of Potential Torture. The games I've played or reviewed recently have been of the highest order, and I feel almost spoiled by quality. This cannot stand. I'm getting fed up with all the superlatives. Here's to hoping for a really bad one.
1 - I'll draw a completely random game from history on the mobygames.com
site.
2 - If I can find a playable copy on a platform I own, or an old one I can
emulate, I'll play it. Otherwise, I'll draw a new game.
3 - If I can't download the game, I'll order a physical copy, if I can find
one. If not, I'll draw a new game.
4 - If the game is part of a continuous series, I might opt to play an earlier
entry of the same series for continuity's sake. I'll judge this on a
case-by-case basis.
So, without further ado, let's rip the band aid off... *drumroll*
FIRST DRAW
Halloween Jigsaw Puzzles, an iPhone exclusive from 2011. My Tombola of
Potential Torture must have read my mind. This is exactly what I don't want to
play, ever.
Alas, I don't own an iPhone and as I already stated, this is an iPhone exclusive.
There are plenty of Halloween-themed jigsaw puzzlers out there for systems I
own, but I'm sure the Tombola will make sure I "play" them eventually, so I'll
just reject this one on the basis that I don't own the system.
Case dismissed.
So, let's draw another game... *drumroll*
SECOND DRAW
Contra for the Nintendo Switch!
You've gotta be f***ing kidding me. This almost makes me consider buying an iPhone just to play Halloween Jigsaw Puzzles instead.
Yeah, I've played Contra in the past, and I
don't even have to buy the Switch version - I already own the Contra Anniversary Collection. This classic Konami action-platformer is so famous I don't think it needs an introduction. My first
contact with it was on an arcade machine sometime in the 80:s, in our nearest
city, waiting for the bus to arrive. True story: I gave up on the 3rd stage (after the first laser tunnel) before losing all
my lives because I desperately needed to take a leak.
Ever since, I've had this complicated relationship with it. Contra is
ridiculously hard. In moments of self-delusional confidence,
I boot it up, thinking I'm a universal master gamer, only to be instantly humbled. It is without a doubt a good-to-great game, but it's designed
around old-school arcade machine mentality. It wants to suck up all your
quarters until you win or give up.
Also, let's make it official. I hate playing old platformers with a digital controller. Always have. I grew up with keyboard controls and joysticks. Up to
jump, fire to shoot - that is my shtick. My main problems are twofold: 1 - The d-pad is often too imprecise, especially on the Switch Pro Controller, and 2 - I cannot easily jump
and shoot at the same time. When I need to rapidly shift my thumb between the two buttons my hand starts aching and, in a worst case scenario, cramping up. My age and line of work have caught up with me.
But my Tombola of Potential Torture doesn't even have a sliver of the
Christmas spirit, so it wants me to at least attempt to endure and beat Contra. Can I do it?
Don't count on it. I might allow myself to use save states (I'll just
assume the Anniversary Collection supports them), but if so, only in the beginning of
each level.
I'll have to decide whether to play the original Arcade version or
the NES port. Both are included in the collection. I'll make my choice clear in the beginning of the upcoming review.
Well, I guess there is no sense in delaying it further...
I hereby declare RANDOM GAME # 4 to be Contra for
the Nintendo Switch.
Wish me luck.
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