THE WAILING OF THE LONESOME
Also for: Linux, Macintosh, Playstation 3, Wii U, Windows, Xbox One
Intentional or not, the title Starwhal makes me recall booting up MS DOS-games back in
the 1990:s. That was when the .EXE- or .BAT-files you entered into the command prompt were
restricted to a maximum of eight characters. So to start a game titled Starwhale,
you'd typically have to enter "STARWHAL". As a concept, Starwhal feels
right at home as one of those .EXE-files that you'd discover on a CD-ROM jam-packed with free shareware titles. Back then it probably would've been considered a jolly good competitive game.
In fact, I remember playing a freeware game very much like Starwhal with a bunch of friends
on the Amiga. It was called Dogfight (you can see someone suck at it here). I downloaded it from Aminet to a floppy disk using the Internet connection at school. Up to four players flew old
airplanes around a single screen and tried to shoot each other down. It was a
very basic game that kinda sucked - or did it? - but we played it anyway, because together
we made it fun.
Starwhal is a bit too hi-res, modernized and smoothly animated to feel like it
belongs to that era, but it has the spirit of those times - for better or worse. The
visuals have that clear-colored EGA- or CGA-aesthetic, and the sound effects
sound like the stuff we would make up in our imagination when the crummy old
Soundblaster sound chip failed us.
Starwhal could theoretically be something to nostalgize over, but to me,
it feels too modern with all the different game modes and level setups. But at the same time it doesn't cut it as a modern commercial game, either. It feels truncated - just like its
"Starwhal"-title seems to be missing a letter, it doesn't feel like a complete game. It is too focused on
multiplayer, and what's left for old, lone wolf gamers like me is over before it even
begins.
You control a stylized narwhale in space with a big heart on its chest and a
long, pointy horn on the forehead. You get to customize the whale with its own personalized look. How about angel wings on the back and
an afro on the head? Gosh, now I've seen everything, where do dey get deez crazee ideez.
Starwhal originated in a 48-hour game design contest, where it was
called Just the Tip. In its multiplayer, the task is generally
to penetrate the other whales' hearts with your horn to score points or
reduce their lives. Quite a few game modes exist, and you can choose between many
different arenas with different obstacles or environmental hazards. The more
of you, the merrier, and yada yada.
This is the commercial release of that design contest prototype. It supports
up to four-player local multiplayer. It has no online mode. I played a few
bouts against my brother a few years ago, and just now a few rounds against
bots. Since its release, developer Breakfall has also added a
very short challenge mode for single players, which I completed in less than
an hour. That could've been extended quite a bit if I aimed for a top score
on all levels, but I never felt like the game earned such an effort.
Games like these often come with a fun gimmick, like excessive violence,
comedy animation or stifled controls. Starwhal's "gimmick" is that the whales
have ragdoll physics, meaning that their tank controls overreact to
your input. All you can do is rotate clockwise or counter-clockwise and swim
forward, but with the ragdoll physics and gravity pulling them ever downward
it's extremely hard to make them go where you want.
The best games of this kind are at least fun to watch other people play and
suck at. But the whales' ragdolls aren't entertaining, they don't die in a
funny way, and their animations don't illustrate their crazy control scheme in
any particularly goofy way. They swim around whimsically, just like all
ordinary sea-creatures seem to do - only in some abstract space environment
instead of water.
Starwhal feels like a game designed specifically for a tight-knit group of
overhyped streamers to scream and laugh about. The idea, I suppose, is that
the competitive fun will rub off on the rest of us, who hope it could be a fun
party game to gather around after a few beers. But I don't think it is. I
remember my days of playing Dogfight. I think the fun begins and ends inside
the group of streamers, who nowadays seem to get paid by the amount of
enthusiasm they demonstrate. That alone doesn't make the game good.
I haven't heard a lot of support for this game outside those old streamer
vids. The hype - if it was ever genuine, and if it even existed - died down
fast. As a two-player competitive game, it is painfully boring, like playing a
tabletop RPG with only one player and a dungeon master. You just dance in a
circle around each other, hoping to score a hit. When you're close, the game
briefly enters slow motion-mode to aid the player's reaction time.
The single-player also sucks, both in challenge mode and in competitive mode
against bots. Let me tell you about my sole "capture the flag" experience,
which was also my first match against the AI:
One of the bots captured the flag first, but I quickly penetrated its heart to
claim it. Then I lay flat on my stomach on the ground below, using my body
like a shell to protect the heart. It succeeded - all the AI-whales aimed with
pin-point precision, but couldn't get through my thick back to reach the
heart. We stayed in that position - their pointy noses stuck in my backside -
for 30 seconds and then I won the match.
The challenge mode is at least more like a proper single-player campaign,
consisting of two modes with 15 levels each, divided into three different
difficulties. The 30 challenges all revolve around the idea that moving around
in this game is hard. In one mode you need to navigate a maze to touch a
box at the other end. The other mode requires you to collect a number of
hearts strewn around an arena. Different environmental hazards and hurdles -
acid, lava, wind, glass and bouncing or moving platforms - make it tougher.
Although the controls make it difficult, the time limit to clear a course is
so generous it's not particuarly hard get a passing bronze grade on any of
them, which is what I settled for. The controls are too flimsy - too ragdolley
- to make it feel like you could "master" them and reach a platinum rating on
every level. It was, as I previously mentioned, over in less than an
unremarkable hour. I hardly remember a thing, and I hardly felt anything. It
didn't even make my blood boil, which is disappointing.
And that, as they say, is that. I should mention that Starwhal is nowhere near my sphere of interest. I can reservedly recommend it to hosts of an upcoming party night, if you think Mario Party or
Super Mario All-Stars or Rock Paper Scissors won't do the trick. But don't say I didn't warn you.
I got my hands on Starwhal during one of the dark ages of my PS
Plus-subscription, when Sony included monthly games for too many systems - the PS3, PS4,
PS Vita, PSP and occasionally the PSVR. The bases they had to cover made them
include games that could be considered shovelware. I would've been furious to
see Starwhal as my monthly offering, if I'd owned nothing but a PS3. Remember
that PS3 had free online multiplayer, so PS Plus was originally
only meant to be a games subscription service.
If I wanted a shareware game, I'd just dig up one of my old magazine cover
CD-ROM:s. That'd be cheaper than paying a subscription fee for the right to download
Starwhal. Luckily, PS Plus got better when Sony finally decided to stop
supporting the PS3, PS Vita and PSP. Then it got worse again, but right now it
is at its peak - it's friggin' amazing. I'm kinda glad that Starwhal exists to
remind me how bad it once was. Never take anything for granted, folks.
[All screenshots are taken from www.mobygames.com]
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