A FIGHTING GAME SLIDESHOW
*** ZERO STARS ***
I played the Amiga port of Street Fighter (Tiertex’ adaptation of the original arcade game) on my Amiga 500 Mini. This machine boosts performance so aggressively that the game appears to run at something like ten times its intended speed. There is a fix, but it requires a bit of effort—and I’m lazy. Once I realized the fix wasn’t necessary to actually beat the game, I didn’t bother.
You see, the Amiga version of the very first entry in this legendary fighting game series may well claim the title “Worst Game I’ve Ever Beaten.” It can be completed simply by spamming the same attack over and over. I tested this across two full playthroughs using two different kicks. It worked flawlessly. The AI had no idea how to respond.
Despite the blonde freak on the title screen, you can only play as a dark-haired Ryu, touring the world in a series of street fights. You visit five countries—USA, Japan, Britain, China and Thailand—facing two opponents in each. Most of them are dull and exclusive to this entry. Apart from Ryu himself, the only familiar face is Sagat, who at least survived into Street Fighter II.
I generally dislike fighting games. I always try to cheese my way through them, and it rarely works. Here, however, I found my spiritual home.
On my first run, I spammed the spinning ground kick (hold back and down, mash fire). No enemy—except the two with ranged attacks, the ninja and Sagat—could respond. Against them, I switched to flying kicks. Problem solved. I beat nearly every opponent with perfect rounds and time to spare. Only one enemy won a round, and that was because my USB controller cable came loose.
On my second playthrough, I spammed flying kicks exclusively. This method is slightly less foolproof, but still carried me through every match without losing a single round. If you want to stick to one move, this is the preferred option.
Then something beautiful happened.
I wondered: Can I beat this game by pressing only the fire button—without touching the stick at all?
Yes. Yes, I can. Up to a point.
I beat the first opponent by standing perfectly still and punching straight ahead. He kept wandering into my fists. I nearly beat the second opponent the same way, but he happened to be the shuriken-throwing ninja, who could attack from a distance. That was enough. I decided I’d seen all I needed to see.
This is the first game I’ve ever beaten in one sitting, on my first attempt. Actually—twice. After defeating Sagat, the game loops back to the beginning. My double playthrough took roughly 20 minutes.
You might ask why I would drain all enjoyment from the game by not playing it “as intended.” Isn’t that cheating?
No. It’s a stress test—and the game failed it.
If the developers couldn’t be bothered to implement competent AI or fluid animation, why should I bother pretending this is a real fighting game?
The animation is a disaster. When a character kicks, the sprite snaps instantly into the kick pose—no wind-up, no transition frames. You get zero reaction time. Dodging is impossible because nothing is animated as movement, only as still images swapped at random moments. It’s less animation and more slideshow. Defensive play is simply not viable.
On original Amiga hardware, the framerate is even worse. It’s borderline unplayable. And to make matters worse, Ryu’s move set is gutted. No Hadoken. No Shoryuken. None of the series’ defining mechanics survived the port. So again: why would anyone play this straight?
At least the bonus round between countries features visuals so atrocious they loop back around to being funny. I nearly spit my coffee when it appeared.
Add a painfully bland presentation and there’s very little left to call a game. The music is tolerable, but it’s the same track from title screen to credits. There are no sound effects whatsoever. The backgrounds are generic and completely fail to convey the countries they’re meant to represent. And that standard kick? Utterly useless—short reach, malformed animation, zero utility.
While writing this review, I had one final idea: What if I beat the game using only the fire button—except for the two ranged opponents?
I tried it.
It works.
For the ninja and Sagat you need jumping attacks. Everyone else can be beaten by standing still and punching. With a turbo controller, you could beat most of the game by holding a single button. With auto-fire, you could arguably beat it by doing nothing at all.
A fighting game without gameplay.
What’s next—a visual novel without a story? A grocery store without groceries? Even E.T. on the Atari 2600 required you to actually play it.
But please—do go on about how Forspoken, Redfall and The Lord of the Rings: Gollum are the worst games of all time.
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